one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
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[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
me before I type out affect or effect
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Breakfast for Stoners:
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge