hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
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I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.