Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
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she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
it must be school picture day
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Grandmother clock.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert