If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
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I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Worst Native American name ever.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
be careful
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
s
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Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT