You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
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[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
the three genders
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.