people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
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Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.