horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
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My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Don’t talk down to me
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.