your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
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PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
sigh
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Follow me for more recipes
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy