“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
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Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls