Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
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If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.