Digital security in Ancient Troy
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I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
my retirement plan is braless
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going