interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
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Cannot stop laughing at this
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee