A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
You Might Also Like
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
This could be us… but you playing
good work, detective
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise