Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
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I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
The asteroid..
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.