i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
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Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
absolute chaos
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie