I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
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This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.