Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
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I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
When you kidnap a writer.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray