The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
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Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Morning.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.