I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
You Might Also Like
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.