Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
You Might Also Like
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
I thought this was funny lol
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”