I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
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It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.