Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
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I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.