[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
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No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Life cycle of cat
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am