Stooooppp!!! 馃槀馃槀
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Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she鈥檚 still alive.
I鈥檓 not a 10. I鈥檓 more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don鈥檛 start explaining it.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
doctor: I鈥檓 afraid it鈥檚 bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
It takes an entire village鈥檚 whiskey to raise a child
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain鈥檛 gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.