Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
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It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.