sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
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At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.