Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
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Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
This is my bus stop.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I have never related to a cat more
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting