[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
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When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*