With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
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maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
🙋♀️
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Florida man
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Breaking news:
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.