Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
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[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas