*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
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Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
How high do the levels go?
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
i prefer mine room temperature.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”