At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
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If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Stop it! 😂
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!