Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
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daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
That’s amazing.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”