It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
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*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Someone just threatened to call me later
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco