When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
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“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ