“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
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Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.