*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
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Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Whoa 😂
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.