I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
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She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.