When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
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When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face