Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
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I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty