midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
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My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
True
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Rambo Rambow
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
181.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.