In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
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The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.