Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
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Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.