Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
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I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
i meant to share this earlier
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.