I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
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I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
🤣🤣💀
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no