TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
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I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*