How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
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Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
i wish all
whales
a very
big
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.