My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
You Might Also Like
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today