Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
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She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I don’t get marriage
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”