Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
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bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.